“Do you love me, Christine?”
One month ago, when the doctors were first trying to determine what was wrong with our son, Dominic, initial assessments led us to believe he had a malignant tumor in his left femur that was aggressive and fast-growing. I couldn’t help but wonder how many days we had left to spend with our precious son. I couldn’t sleep that night, our first overnight stay in the hospital. I lie awake, barely able to breathe as I thought about all the things I would miss about him and wondering how I would be able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and carry on with life. My mind flashed images of his smile, his mannerisms, and all of the wonderful memories we’ve made as a family. Suddenly, I remembered a similar time about two years ago when I thought I might have to let go of Dominic forever…
It was July 2011. Dominic was almost four months old. Without going into the legal details of our adoption, I will summarize by saying we had to wait until Dominic was four months old before we knew whether or not he would be able to stay in our family. It was a long, hard wait, but we loved him with all our hearts knowing that we may have to say good-bye. Ever since Dominic was born, I loved reading books to him because it’s something my mom always did for us and it is one of my favorite memories of my childhood. One day, when we were still in the waiting period of not knowing whether Dominic would be able to stay with us, I went to the bookshelf and randomly pulled off a childrens’ Bible story- Isaac and Rebekah. I began reading it to little Dominic with great love and joy, until I reached the words that brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes,
One day, Abraham again heard the voice of God. “Do you love me, Abraham?” God asked. “Of course, my Lord. I love you with all my heart,” Abraham answered. “Then you must prove it.” God said. “Give me the dearest thing that you have.”
By this point, the story stopped because I couldn’t go on. I imagined God having this same dialogue with me. “Do you love me, Christine?” God asked. “Of course, my Lord. I love you with all my heart,” I answered. “Then you must prove it.” God said. “Give me the dearest thing that you have.” I knew I had to be willing to offer my son back to the Lord. My son was a precious gift from the Lord, but I loved God’s will even more than anything and anyone on this earth. So, at that moment, I made an act of the will to offer Dominic completely to God. When Dominic was four months old, it was determined that he would be able to legally and permanently become our son. Thanks be to God!
One month ago, lying on the bed-couch in the hospital room wide awake, I thought back to two years ago to that story, that feeling, that act of the will. It was happening all over again. I might lose him forever. I might have to say good-bye. Again God said, Do you love me, Christine?” “Of course, my Lord. I love you with all my heart,” I answered. “Then you must prove it.” God said. “Give me the dearest thing that you have.” There, in that hospital room, I had to give him back to God again. The pain was sharper and deeper this time. We had made many more memories together and formed an everlasting bond. The thought of living without him made it hard to breathe. I offered him back to the Lord again, continuously asking God to give me the grace to embrace His will. I know and believe that God’s will is what is best for us and what will ultimately lead to our total happiness. Living in His will is the only way to live.
Over the next few days at the hospital we were given a brighter prognosis for Dominic’s future. Now we know that his disease is treatable and has a high chance of being cured. Thanks be to God! God has again granted us more time with our little boy. May we not take it for granted. May we cherish every moment together, even the difficult moments. What a beautiful life!
“We are yours, O Jesus, and all we have is yours.”
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Cling to Him- Sirach 2 
What an inspiration and testament of faith, and another ‘silver lining’! Once again you cut right to the chase of all we are, do, and have. Nothing we have belongs to us, but is only a gift from God.
Your recount of the thoughts and feelings remind me of the actual realization I had that all I have is not mine. Even though I had said it before, I had never really had to face the reality of the finality of the end of life. ‘Saying’ something holds a stark contrast to the realization of the words we might say. For me, the difference was that I was the one I feared would be taken out of my children’s lives. I was the one lying in the hospital, unable to mother my children, and unable to see them for ten days. I had a photo of my children and a pocket prayer book. I wondered, who would take care of them like I would? When I wasn’t graced with all of the visitors who did come to see me, I only wanted to pray and pour over my prayer book asking for God’s mercy to let ME mother MY children. The doctors were not able to offer an explanation for my condition. During my stay I remembered a bit of advice my mother gave to me as an early teen when a dear friend had to move away. She said that God often puts people as blessings in our lives for only a short time, and that we should thank Him for the time they are given to be with us. I realized that I may have been given to my children for only a short time. I also realized that MY children were not MINE at all. I had to come to terms with the reality that whatever time I would have with them would be what God has planned for me…and them. MY children really belong to HIM. This revelation brought complete peace. The road back to health was hard, and held more questions about my health than answers. I can look back now, almost 7 years, and see the journey God intended to begin in our family’s life: A journey we are still on. All of our trials have been blessings in our lives. They were my 2×4 against the side of my head, saying “what are/aren’t you doing in your life that you should be? I am thankful for the trials. I do “Consider it All Joy”! I know you and Jacob do, as well. We will continue to pray for your courage and God’s graces during these times of trial.
Thank you for the “silver lining”!
Blessings,
Angela +++
Please compile these blogs and give to Dominic one day. I’m certain he knows that you love him very much but this blog will be so precious to him! Imagine him reading this on his graduation day or wedding day 🙂